Recently I've been having this feeling, that I'm a burden on the people around me, that I'm not going any where and every one is looking at me and wondering what all that big talk I said was about, and where it's going.
For awhile all I could do was hold it in, and I kept feeling like every one was giving me the same speech, why aren't you in school, why don't you have a second job, what are you doing with your life, are you still going to Japan, when are you going, why don't you have the money,and the list goes on and on.
I started to take the speeches and put them on my self.
Why wasn't I in school? Why Couldn't I find a second job? Where was my life going? Was I even going to be able to get to Japan? When? In another year? In another 3 years!? How was I going to get the money?
The more I took those burdens on me the more I strove to prove them wrong, I worked harder at my current job, I looked at tickets to Japan, I downloaded the application to Harvard.
But it felt like I was pushing against a stone wall and nothing I could do would move it, and the speeches, and the burdens and the stress just closed in around me and I couldn't get past this wall.
I'll stop here to say that all the speeches were made in love, and that the people who talked to me about school didn't also talk to me about Japan or a job but all of these things happened at once.
Now onto the good part. I've been trying to challenge my self, not to focus on the speeches and only focus on the wall, let down my stress and baggage and go on with my moving this wall.
But it wasn't moving, and I was desperate, clawing at the damnable thing like a frantic person trying to escape from a fire.
And then something amazing happened.
Tonight at work I got held over for an hour and a half, I was tired and I was ready to go and I was irritated because people wouldn't leave.
There were two of our regular customers that were also in the store getting ready to go and we just struck up a conversation about his business folder, then all of a sudden Cause and Effect came up.
Ideas starting coming to both of the customers and they suddenly knew people who would be interested in my cause and people who could help me mobilize it.
Then when I got home I saw on one of their face book statuses they posted the link to the Cause and Effect Face Book page endorsing it and telling people about my vision. And sudden I felt it shift, my wall moved.
I'm not saying everything was magically cleared and I'm not feeling like my chipper normal motivated self again, not just yet.
But that shift gave me hope that there is another side to this wall, and I'm going to break that freakin' thing down!!
