Today I received some very bad news. A friend of mine passed away. She was a year older than me, about four inches taller, and in my opinion was a lot more graceful. She had cancer, and she battled with it for what seemed like a very short time and then she was gone.
What bothers me most about all the feelings I have associated with this news is that she and I were not very close. Our friendship was comprised of two lunch dates, an outing for the school we both attended, Skype calls or FaceBook chats a couple of times a year , and mutually liking one another's status and photos on FaceBook. I don't have a trunk full of memories of the two of us smiling and laughing, or sharing intimate details. I just have a long distance casual friendship, in which case neither of probably thought about the other unless we were on a FaceBook feed.
The timing of this news hit me at a bad time. Laying in bed this morning trying to figure out how I'm going to pay all of my bills and still put on that Halloween Party, I accidentally hit the Facebook app on my phone and there was the news. It felt like someone sucker punched me in the gut laying in my bed. My bed which is supposed to be the safest of places, especially to try and escape emotions.
I don't think I've been able to catch my breath from that emotional punch all day.
My mind is constantly racing right now. There are so many questions I was already asking God all of them started with the word 'Why'. This news just made them end with an angry exclamation point.
I share a trait with my Grandmother (I actually share several, but right now I'm just focusing on one), a trait a lot of women have, but not usually women in our family. Resting Bitch Face. (Sorry for the language sensitive readers) I can't tell you how many times in line at the grocery store have I been off in a pleasant day dream about walking out to my car to see Tom Hiddleston resting on the hood and offering to carry all my bags up the three flights of stairs to my apartment and then pay my bills when the person in line before will sheepishly cut in. "Sorry you have to wait, I don't really have that many things. I know it looks like a lot, and you seem to be in a hurry." As if the disdain on my face is directed at them. Awakening from my day dreams I realize I must have been scowling in their direction. Honestly I don't mean to, It's just my face.
This face has been my armor for a very long time. In talking with my Grandmother, who in many ways has been a rock to our family, I realize it has for her too. While I'm not sure my grandmother would agree with this assessment I realize I'm very much like the Hulk. I'm safe as long as I stay (or look) angry.
Today brought to head a lot of feelings I have had wrapped up inside of me. I'm still coming terms with a lot of them. This isn't a blog of self discovery, or complaining, it's just a blog to try and get something out of my head. The feeling that vulnerability is a weakness to me in my sadness, and a lot of times even in my happiness. Right now I feel like the only thing keeping me going is that I'm so angry, angry at God for posing all these questions that don't have answers. (Why aren't you providing for me? Why won't you heal people? Why do I have to live in anxiety?) Angry at people for letting me down, or leaving me behind. Angry at myself for not doing more.
The thought crossed my mind today when I was asked if I was okay "You can't be nice to me. If you're nice to me I can't be angry, and if I'm angry I can't keep all of these emotions from spilling out."
I hate when my emotions spill out.
That messy horrible crying girl that comes along with emotions just isn't who I want to be. I want to be strong, and I want to be a rock. But looking strong and feeling strong aren't the same things.
I can't live my life being angry, if I was going to self Identify with a super hero I wouldn't want to be the Hulk. (I could go into who I'd rather be, but as I am constantly saying in these blogs; That's another blog for another time)
Right now I'm having to learn to unclench my fist, I'm saying this now, officially, in writing so legal. I don't want to be angry any more. (why did I write this at work because now I'm about to cry)
I want to be really strong, I want to have people who lift me up, I want to be happy again. Not fake happy which dissolves when I'm alone, but really happy. I'm not sure how to get there, but I want to try.
