How do you know when you’ve gotten through the bad times? How do you know when you’re in a really good place?
I have so many missionary friends, so many friends who are in ministry and a common theme among us is that consistently we are in a hard place. There always seems to be a pressure on us to do or to say exactly what God wants. We are burdened with glorious purpose and we are unable to be happy with the mundane. That sounds so good on paper. When I write those words in my journal, or prophesy them to someone at church they make people feel very important, and they should. However, most days, I want to feel like I’m in a good place.
Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. Between embarassing financial difficulty, family drama, a dating life that rivaled most plucky rom-com heroines (you know, the dating life they talk about in the prologue), and feeling spiritually like I was just lost in a fog, I was having a rough time. But what really sucked was that I had felt like that on and off for years. I realized some point along the way, I hadn’t readjusted back to the typical day-to-day life after returning from G42. With each mission trip, or church I helped to start, or ministry I was assisting, every time those tenures would come to end I hadn’t adjusted. There is a strange duality here, between not settling for the mundane and wanting to live just one day where I don’t feel like I’m failing God because I haven’t had a magical encounter prophesying to a stranger at Starbucks.
Living like that was hard.
For me I had to come to a moment where I stood and faced God. “What do you want from me!?” I remember demanding of him. “NOT the big picture, but EVERY DAY!?” Needless to say that I was angry, and tired of feeling this way.
What shocked me however was that God didn’t answer, not right away. I’m sure most of you know that when you’re feeling like you’re hungry for more, and life isn’t satisfying God not responding right away can be annoying. Despite not hearing God, I did start to notice something; God was showing me what he wanted for me on a day-to-day basis. It would start with a favorite movie being on TV, maybe a song I loved would come on the radio, a friend would reach out and we’d chat like we hadn’t in a long time. Things in my life were making me happy.
When I was happy my guard was down, and that’s when God spoke. “I want you to be happy” he confirmed.
So often we talk about sharing in the suffering of Christ, we talk about dying daily to our flesh. When we think about emulating Jesus, and being a type of Christ to those around us we often think or portray the Jesus that suffered in the Garden as he prayed. (Matthew 26:42) I would like though to show people the Christ that laughed. The Christ that went to dinner at someone’s home and talked with them, and enjoyed them. We can’t be 100% sure if Jesus shared divine secrets when he was at the dinner table with his friends, or if he simply was checking in on how his disciples families were doing, or laughing about an inside joke. We can be sure that the man portrayed in the Bible showed the goodness of God, and the Joy of God just as much as he showed us the suffering, and the strength to pass up temptation.
By the end of September this year I wasn’t thinking too much about how hard God was testing me. I was thinking mostly about how much God loved me. I hadn’t realized how far I had actually come until my Fiance and I decided to sneak into the Awakening in Gainesville GA. After seeing Andrew for the first time in years he grabbed me and said to me “You’re doing okay, kid. It’s been a long time coming, but you’re going to be just fine.” For the first time since I’d been back on US soil in June of 2010 I believed that.
In short, I encourage each of you who are having a hard time readjusting to life, or looking for the supernatural in everyday life to know that you’re doing okay. It’s going to get better eventually. Don’t lose the hunger of God, but live in the every day in the now and know that God is in you and he wants you to be happy. That’s a supernatural experience everyone is looking for. Being Christ to the world isn’t always standing in line at the grocery store and healing the sick, sometimes it’s standing in line at the grocery store and starting a conversation with the person in front of you about the cheesy tabloids they’re looking over. Remember; Christ in you is the hope of Glory.
You’ve got this.
