Guilt and Judgment

Recently I met with a financial planner, and got the shock of my life time- I felt guilty for being 'responsible' for my future. 

To start out with I'd like to say that I was not raised around poverty, ill managed money or any lack in my life. As a kid I always had the newest toys, the nicest clothes and a roof over my head, but I knew for a fact that my parents didn't have a lot of cash. How did I know this, I was raised in the ministry. I knew that they were being paid in less dollar bills than a stripper, but a few more pennies than a homeless person. But you see God doesn't want his spokesmen looking like trash, so he always provided us with everything we needed, wanted, and well just plain thought was cool. 

So as you may well have guessed when you live every day by the blessings of God there isn't a whole lot left over to save or plan with. So I never got to much of a chance to see what a Roth IRA looked like, or knew who to ask about getting a 401k. 

Now as a 'legitimate adult' in the business world I have colleagues that do that, they answer these questions and they genuinely want to help out. So I met one of these colleagues a few weeks ago for coffee and we got the chance to talk. We had a great conversation and I'm proud to say I'm not saving for my future, be that retirement or taking off and traveling the world, but either way I'm saving towards my future. Saving seems smart, 'normal' folk with 'normal' jobs all save in some way or another. Their jobs some times save for them, and some times they save for themselves. But I didn't grow up in a culture of 'normal' people. I grew up in the ministry, where if you weren't about to give up before God showed up you obviously didn't have much faith. So while at first I left this coffee meeting feeling quite proud of my self soon a deep bout of guilt set it. 

I anguished over the ideas of 'should I really be doing this' and 'am I not trusting God'. I was worried about what I'd tell my friends in ministry who were living on support, others who were working while they did their best to get sent out to the country that pulled most on their heart strings. 

I can't even begin to tell you how stupid I felt when I broke down crying because I was so torn up about saving money! 

But then it struck me, like a slap to the back of the head and I heard God say to me. "Did I tell you not to save?" Quickly I began to prepare my rebuttal about how I must not be trusting him enough but he got the next word in first. "I called you to live a life of plenty, of wisdom and of comfort. Why are you worried what I tell other people to do? I'm working this out for you." 

It shocked me. God wanted me to save money!? GOD. Wanted. Me. To. Save. Money. 

Well that seemed stupid and backward. But then it didn't. God tells us over and over again in his word that he lays up his wealth for the righteous and the wise, he wants to give to those with giving hearts and he wants to use the riches of many to help many. God wants me to save money, to accumulate wealth because he wants me to pick up the bill on some one else's dinner. 

So Yes I'm still crazy according to most folks, and I guess I'm just getting crazier to my vagabond missionary friends but I'm learning something. I'm not crazy to God. He made me with the nature I have to build a kingdom that only he could have supported. He wants me to say "Hey look, I didn't have a college education, and I didn't have mom and dad to fund me, but I've got it in the bank because I listened to God." and then write a cheque to whom ever he places on my heart. 

God is a giving guy, he likes to take out the whole family and pick up the tab. He LOVES it when he can extend his hand through his children and make things work for other people. My thing is finding balance in what God has called me to do, go out and not be normal, but some times take some normal steps to get there. 

I feel like the idea of judgement and fear hang to heavily over us today to make 'right choices' and the pressure is coming from more than just the traditional word we as Christians have so long tried to escape. The church and the body of Christ is judging it's self harshly too. We get so wrapped up in how 'She saves money' or 'He attends a cell group' or 'They're not speaking in tongues enough'. I've found that in the most resent of months I feel more judged by Christians than I do by any one else I meet. What caused this unsatisfied cancer to grow in us? We serve a God that wants to give us the desires of our hearts, he wants to pour out his Kingdom on us through us and with us on the earth but we can't even get passed each other to see the Glory that is dripping off of our brothers and sisters any more. 

I am ashamed to have felt guilty about telling other Christians about saving money. Why should I have to answer tho them when God himself gave me the green light. 

Have we stopped recently to examine our selves? (even in stupid little things like my money) We only see through our little molds of what God has revealed to us, and instead of breaking the windows and letting his light shine in further we judge those we see through our peep holes. 

My challenge to any one reading this is to look at your self and ask "what mold am I holding others accountable to?" 

Is it that they are not enough of something? 

Is it that they are too much of something? 

If the answer isn't dripping in love of God I'd encourage you to seek a little love and to bite your tongue next time some one you don't agree with comes into your path. Judgement is what will judge the body of Christ. 

God wants so badly to love us that he'll let us have our way, as C.S. Lewis has so tactfully said so many times. But God's judgment is always for us, his judgment is always uplifting us and telling us how close we are to the mark and how we are going to get there. If your frame of focus is on how different some one is than you, and how that makes them wrong then it may be time to try a different approach. 

In closing I want to say God loves you, whether your saving money, not saving money, speaking in tongues, not speaking in tongues, healing the sick or working a 9-5. God. Loves. You. 

I promise from now on when I see you that I'll look at you and try only to see the good, I'll look at you and say "Wow, He/She's got something about him/her that can only be God."  And that's the only judgement I'll put on you. 

Prince Charming vs the Warrior King

It seems that as you get deeper into your 20's, and more involved with single friends you realize the importance on dating, gender roles, and how everything revolves around relationships between men, women and God.
 This year I have felt this become an issue pressing on the majority of women I know's minds and hearts. The issue lies not with dating, and it doesn't lie with marriage it lies with pursuit.

 All of our lives girls are taught to sit in our towers and wait for prince charming to come and sweep us off of our feet. It starts as a kid with the fairy tails;
-Cinderella, locked away as a maid until the prince finds her and returns her shoe.
-Sleeping Beauty, pricks her finger and falls asleep until prince charming finds her and kisses her awake.
-Snow White, dies due to bad choices in diet and will not wake up until prince charming gives her true loves first kiss.
-Rapunzel trapped in a tower because of her parent's choices in stealing must wait until Prince Charming comes along and pulls her hair out of a window.
 I could go on and on with this list, but I'll refrain.
So the fact is girls grow up thinking that our entire lives should be spent waiting on a man to come and rescue us from our bad choices, stupid decisions or mundane existence.

We then graduate from waiting on prince charming to waiting on 'the one' which is another thinly veiled pseudonym for prince charming.
The One is a real life guy who is a little more realistic than prince charming, but not quite as well liked or unlikely to come. He's a guy with a dream to make something of himself and he's gonna do that while treating you to camomile foot baths and candies!
But you just have to wait for him to come along

From the one you graduate to Mr. Right, and boy he's a real charmer. He's nice, he's sweet, he's got a job and a car and he's probably a christian, I mean he goes to church with you right?
 Mr. Right is the guy dating books are written about, he's not the guy that makes you swoon but he's a real guy y'know. He watches football and likes fishing and he's not really looking to much further than that pay raise where he's going to buy that ring for you.
But- and you probably guessed it by now: You have to have to wait for him.

 From Mr. Right you graduate to Mr. Right Now. Who is well, just a guy, who you settle on, because he walked through the grocery store parking lot to ask you out for his friend. He's not who you thought you'd end up with, but he's a guy, and he's moving and well at this point that's good enough for you because you've waited "like for ever!"

 I'm not saying that the average joe has nothing going for him, but what I am saying is why is it that we keep making girls wait and no great guy ever comes? I know most girls end up with nice men, but what happened to the Kings and princes we were all promised for the majority of our lives?

This question caused the wheels in my head to turn, and the curious side of me to ask questions.
The question: "If there are there so many Christian men and women who want to get married, why are none of them each other's type?" has come up a lot, and I can only think of one answer.

We crippled Prince Charming.

 How do we expect Prince Charming to come charging up a flight of stairs to kiss us awake, or return our shoe, or climb our hair when we told him he's not allowed to do any of those things?
We wait and wait and wait but Prince charming is laying in a ditch wondering why he won't ever get married and why his mentors all cut his legs off.
We told him he can't go looking for love, because he might think about sex if he finds it. And frankly I think we all know, that's of the devil.

 We tell girls to wait (as I a girl I hear that A LOT) but what I've realized guys hear just as much as "wait" is the word "Don't".
  "Don't hold her hand" "Don't kiss her with out asking her" "Don't ask her out with out permission from every man who has authority in her life" "Don't this" "Don't that".
If I were a guy I'd give up by now!
Prince Charming is supposed to grow up and become a king, but nothing grows when it's stifled all the time.

You see the common misconception is that you go from a disney prince to a really old fat king, and we've forgotten to tell boys about middle stage. The really fun warrior king stage where you get to rescue damsels and fight dragons and you never have to ask permission of any one because "don't" is not something you tell a king!
Merlin never told Arthur "don't", Aslan never told Peter "don't", they told them to go make adventures for themselves, go out and win the prize.
As a Christian community we forgot to teach boys how to pursue the prize, and how to become men that attain goals.

We've made pursuit a buzz word and we've never told any body what it actually means.

• Pursuit is not hanging out where I work and asking me out on your third visit to our shop. 
• Pursuit is finding out what my favorite movie is and taking me to see it when it returns to theaters. 
• Pursuit is not honoring our relationship by praying for me 
• Pursuit is prophesying to me despite our relationship because you know God has a destiny for me and for you and you want those destinies to be one. 
• Pursuit is not asking me to dinner out 
• Pursuit is grabbing me up and telling me you're going to take me to dinner and show me the best time of my life. 

Do you see the difference? 

If you want a chase give me something to keep pace to. 
I could out run a guy who wants to pray for me, but it's pretty hard to out run Elijah trying to prophesy to me in a chariot of fire. 
 But guess which guy I want? The one who captures my heart, not catches me off guard while I'm ready to settle. 

 So in closing I guess this rant is to say: 
 Dear Prince Charming, 
I give you permission to chase me, with all your might. 
I give you permission to kiss me, to take me out and to just generally assault me with your charm. 

Most importantly Prince charming, I'm not waiting in my tower any more, so don't come looking for me there. I'm playing Xena Warrior Princess, and it's going to be hard for you to catch me while your carrying a glass shoe, so I give you permission to become a warrior King. 
Love, 
Me

12 Things I've Learned in 2012 (So Far)

Okay, so for past year I've been working a great job in a Graphics and Web Design company as a Web Designer and I. Have. Loved. It.
It's pushed me to grow and stretch and become an empowered business professional woman, while still being an artsy and fun girl.
I've dealt with amazing clients, offensive chauvinists, promotions, set backs and big life choices and I've felt truly alive.
Though, in the words of your friendly neighborhood Spider Man; "With great power comes great responsibility" and one of those responsibilities is proper time management.
To which I have failed.
With the extra time I had on the weekends I've taken an extra job, and I've thrown my evenings into extra work, and suddenly I did nothing else but work. Work, Work, Work.
So in short, and in the style of one of my favorite blogers Alexi Wasser I'm going to do a list of things I've realized about myself, and my year so far.

1. Being an empowered woman can also mean having no social life.

2. It's okay to cry, just make sure your crying about the right things. Not because some dumb jerk cut you off in traffic.

3. That dumb jerk that cut you off in traffic, has a name, and feelings and even though he may never know what you said about it in explicit language you know you degraded a human being.

4. Just because some one yells at you doesn't mean they're mean. Often times they just don't understand the process you're working in.

5. Just because some one else that yelled at you was nice, doesn't mean every one is. Be careful who you let in, and who you let out.

6. Because your meeting people when you work, doesn't mean you know lots of people. I really don't want to ask half of my clients to go out to dinner with me, nor do they care where I get my nails done.

7. You can do great nail art by your self- or by your sister. Depending on who has the money to buy the tools.

8. H&M isn't as fun in the states as it is over seas, and that makes me sad.

9. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

10. Some times schools want you to pay $10,000 to learn about the profession you're already in.

11. Some times that's a totally understandable expense. Some times it's not.

12. Don't wait until you're nearly dead to stop, sit back and breath. Rest is totally necessary and you totally need it.

So that is twelve of the most important things I've learned in 2012 (so far) let's hope the next six months I learn something about like, I dunno relationships, and love and girl things.

Here's to six more months.

Now is the Time

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

Any one who knows me would know that I've been harping about Joseph Kony of the LRA since 2008, and the one response I get most often was. "That's awful, some one should do something about it."

In 2001 the Forgotten Children's Project made a startling discovery that people in west Africa have known and lived through for years, they discovered the existence of a group called the Lord's Resistance Army.
A group led by a man named Joseph Kony who believes God has given him all of Uganda to rule over.
To accomplish this Kony built an army, an army that is manned by the people he kidnaps and brainwashes from villages all over Uganda.
That sounds horrible enough as it is, but the part that really makes my stomach turn is that a great number of these soldiers are children.

If the thought of a child with a machine gun is enough to make you squeamish you may want to skip from this next part.
Many of these children as an initiation have been forced to do horrible things, things that most 'civilized' people would consider sins or unforgivable acts.
Once such story is of a school teacher who 'stood up to' Kony, to teach the children Kony was taking from this teacher that this was inappropriate behavior he had the children eat the teacher a live.
In other instances Kony had young boys rape an kill their own sisters or mothers, or watch as he did.
And thats just the tip of the ice burg.

My heart aches for the children of Uganda, and I have friends who have and are there now- not working with Invisible Children but coming in contact with kids who may have once been part of that life.
So to me the troubles in Uganda are very real and are relevant every day.
So you can never guess my surprise when I logged on to Twitter and Facebook this morning and saw what was trending between
#thingsmufasadidntdiefor and #KimKarsaianSaid.
#Kony2012, and #StopJospehKony.
Mouth agape I clicked through the posts and tweets and soon I was absolutely in raged.
The absolute garbage spilling out of the keyboards of people who were 'supporting' this movement.
From petitions to ask Joseph Kony to step down to people thinking he was a pimp who sold children into prostitution.

Let me stop here to say I totally 100% support the Kony2012 movement. I'm not going to jump on the band wagon and go posting posters every were because I just don't have the time or funds. But I am right there with them. This needs to get out and you can sure as hell believe I'll be sharing the link on my wall and tweeting it as often as possible, change needs to happen.
But what I don't support is the coffee shop bandwagon support that this movement has drummed up.

Back to my point, I won't lie, I cried while watching the Kony2012 video, but I cry every time I even talk about the children in the LRA.
Don't have an emotional response to this video, have a heart response.
This is really happening, right now, and there is no easy fix to it.
No amount of poster posting will make Kony give up what he believes is a God given right. No amount of Face Book hatred will make him feel shame for what he's done.
If he hasn't disbanded the LRA after the multiple request and peace talks offered and began by the UN and Ugandan government he's not going to do so just because a 20-something college student puts up a banner at his or her community college.
But what this movement is doing is making an awareness that this cause hasn't seen since the LRA started in the 70's/80's.

So please, put up your banners and share the link, but remember this is real life for a lot of kids. This isn't a fad. Lives depend on this ending, not just lives but the futures of survivors depend on the end of the LRA.
This can't just be a bandwagon, coffeeshop cause you talk about with your friends while waiting to be bailed out of jail after occupying the Ugandan Embassy.
This has to be a focus that drives like no other.
If your heart was torn for the the children of the LRA don't argue why it's important, go do something to change it.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Every One!

I'm happy to say that 2011, though it was hard, was a good year.
In work I accomplished a lot, I became the manager of the coffee shop I worked at, hosted two art shows, a failed fantasy fest and multiple music events. I stood up for my beliefs and left that job standing only my principles. I began working for a graphic design company and I now enjoy a great design job building websites.

In love I can't say I had much, haha. I went on my first date ever at 21 years old to a great guy, but nothing came of our date but friendship.
I yearned a lot for a relationship, and I'm still yearning.

In art, I got better, made money off of my art, and used my talents to get a career started in graphic arts.

In literature I still haven't finished my book, but I read a lot of books.

I travled little, I lost a lot, but I grew immensely in 2011.

I spent this new years with my parents, we watched a lot of movies, I played WoW, RPed with some friends and drew.
I was a little sad I didn't get to do what I had wanted for New Years, but I savored what I did do and enjoyed my self greatly.

So next year is now. Wow, where did the year go!?
Well, let's see. What do I want to see happen next year?

I'd like to be in a serious relationship- headed towards marriage.

I'd like to be in school, no more of this working with out a college degree.

I'd like to travel more, maybe visit spain again, or go to southern ireland. Hopefully see Japan.

I'd like to work on my art, and draw a hell of a lot more.

I'd like to own my own house.

I'd like to have a dog.

I'd like to have my car payed off. haha

That's about all I can think of. I think it's all realistic, so let's see it happen.

I'm ready for 2012 to be the best year of my life, so c'mon guys, let's get on with it.