Unplanning My Life

So I feel like I'm in a better place than my last entry.
Not that things are much better, but I'm actually listening for God right now.

Before I had a lot of plans, big plans, plans I've had for a long time. I'm not giving up on those plans, I'm just giving them to God.
When I was 6 years old I had an encounter with God. I felt his hands warm on my back and I felt him whisper into my ears "go to the nations". I saw a white membrane between heaven and my reality punctured and I knew I would never grow up normal.
Since that time I'd been wondering, where do I go? What do I do?
At age 6 I decided to become an Alligator Farmer in deepest darkest Africa... like Egypt. lol I was going to marry my crush at the time and we were going to pastor a church while farming said Alligators.
As I grew up that dream died, and became a joke between my family and I, but the words God spoke to me never left.

At 12 I felt a prick in my heart. Japan. I had no idea what was even needed there, at the time the best I knew of Japan was that it was kind of like China... which was an incorrect assumption.
So I began to plan a mega church that I would pastor in Japan. The whole country would be saved, just wait and see.
But I began to realize church politics and the traditional ministry scene wasn't for me.
But still, God's words never left. Go to the Nations, Go to Japan.

When I was 14 I began to fall in love with Cultures, and Cultural Anthropology was going to be my gig. I was going to travel with Nomads I was going to see the world.
And then I learned of Japan's suicide problem. I also learned the government was hiring cultural anthropologists to come and study the problem.
It felt like all the pieces were fitting in place.
The more I learned of the suicide problem the more of a pull I felt to go there, to be part of righting that wrong. A light started to shine of God's plan.
And then my dangerous, natural tendency kicked in. Just as it had with the Alligator Farm, and the Mega Church, I started planning.

By 17 I had it all figured out, go to Japan work with suicide prevention and in the mean time do ministry. I had a way in, I had a purpose there, and I felt God's peace about that plan.
At 19 I went to Spain and the God dream became a plan.
And the only thing that I didn't have to wake up and tell my self was God in the morning was "work with suicide in Japan".
I was so hell bent on working in Cultural Anthropology I'd never even looked into any other venues to get into Japan. (Aside from Art but there is no money in it.)
I had multiple people give me words (they said were from God) that Cultural Anthropology may not be the way to get into Japan,
And I ignored every one.

At 20, I'm home now. And again I got another word from God, the same one I'd gotten twice before.
"Think other ways besides, church, or cultural anthropology to get into Japan"
The idea of anything other than the life I've planned since I was 14 scares me. But I'm done planning.
THe end result is going to be the same, I'll probably even go to college for humanities and social sciences, but I'm open now to what ever God is saying.
"Here's my plan God, you messed it up, so I'm not going to try and fix it. It's yours, do what you want with it."

So I've been praying, and not planning, and thinking about what God is wanting me to do.
And oddly enough I feel like I'm going to buy a house in the next year.
A very stable move for some one like me who planned a very unstable life.
But I'm moving forward where I feel a peace. And I'm not planning any of it. God is holding the reins now, so I'm sure it's going to a much wilder ride than I could have planned.