Suffering with Jesus, and Smiling with Him Too

How do you know when you’ve gotten through the bad times? How do you know when you’re in a really good place?

I have so many missionary friends, so many friends who are in ministry and a common theme among us is that consistently we are in a hard place.  There always seems to be a pressure on us to do or to say exactly what God wants. We are burdened with glorious purpose and we are unable to be happy with the mundane. That sounds so good on paper. When I write those words in my journal, or prophesy them to someone at church they make people feel very important, and they should. However, most days, I want to feel like I’m in a good place.

Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. Between embarassing financial difficulty, family drama, a dating life that rivaled most plucky rom-com heroines (you know, the dating life they talk about in the prologue), and feeling spiritually like I was just lost in a fog, I was having a rough time. But what really sucked was that I had felt like that on and off for years. I realized some point along the way, I hadn’t readjusted back to the typical day-to-day life after returning from G42. With each mission trip, or church I helped to start, or ministry I was assisting, every time those tenures would come to end I hadn’t adjusted. There is a strange duality here, between not settling for the mundane and wanting to live just one day where I don’t feel like I’m failing God because I haven’t had a magical encounter prophesying to a stranger at Starbucks.

Living like that was hard.

For me I had to come to a moment where I stood and faced God. “What do you want from me!?” I remember demanding of him. “NOT the big picture, but EVERY DAY!?” Needless to say that I was angry, and tired of feeling this way.

What shocked me however was that God didn’t answer, not right away. I’m sure most of you know that when you’re feeling like you’re hungry for more, and life isn’t satisfying God not responding right away can be annoying. Despite not hearing God, I did start to notice something; God was showing me what he wanted for me on a day-to-day basis. It would start with a favorite movie being on TV, maybe a song I loved would come on the radio, a friend would reach out and we’d chat like we hadn’t in a long time. Things in my life were making me happy.

When I was happy my guard was down, and that’s when God spoke. “I want you to be happy” he confirmed.

So often we talk about sharing in the suffering of Christ, we talk about dying daily to our flesh. When we think about emulating Jesus, and being a type of Christ to those around us we often think or portray the Jesus that suffered in the Garden as he prayed. (Matthew 26:42) I would like though to show people the Christ that laughed. The Christ that went to dinner at someone’s home and talked with them, and enjoyed them. We can’t be 100% sure if Jesus shared divine secrets when he was at the dinner table with his friends, or if he simply was checking in on how his disciples families were doing, or laughing about an inside joke. We can be sure that the man portrayed in the Bible showed the goodness of God, and the Joy of God just as much as he showed us the suffering, and the strength to pass up temptation.

By the end of September this year I wasn’t thinking too much about how hard God was testing me. I was thinking mostly about how much God loved me. I hadn’t realized how far I had actually come until my Fiance and I decided to sneak into the Awakening in Gainesville GA. After seeing Andrew for the first time in years he grabbed me and said to me “You’re doing okay, kid. It’s been a long time coming, but you’re going to be just fine.” For the first time since I’d been back on US soil in June of 2010 I believed that.

In short, I encourage each of you who are having a hard time readjusting to life, or looking for the supernatural in everyday life to know that you’re doing okay. It’s going to get better eventually. Don’t lose the hunger of God, but live in the every day in the now and know that God is in you and he wants you to be happy. That’s a supernatural experience everyone is looking for. Being Christ to the world isn’t always standing in line at the grocery store and healing the sick, sometimes it’s standing in line at the grocery store and starting a conversation with the person in front of you about the cheesy tabloids they’re looking over. Remember; Christ in you is the hope of Glory.

You’ve got this.

Happy (Day After) International Women's Day

So, I guess I blog about women's issues now. Go figure. I had hoped to get a blog up for international women's day, but life was a bit hectic and I had a million things going on so the day after will have to do.

On Facebook a friend shared a photo with a poem by Rupi Kaur from her book Milk and Honey.

i want to apologize to all the women i have called beautifulbefore i’ve called them intelligent or bravei am sorry i made it sound as thoughsomething as simple as what you’re born withis all you have to be proud ofwhen you have broken mountains with your wit from now on i will say things likeyou are resilient, or you are extraordinarynot because i don’t think you’re beautifulbut because i need you to knowyou are more than that

My response was rather silly, however it was one that I often use when referencing things that move me. "Well, I hadn't planned on crying today."

The thing is, I was moved by the sheer grace of this poem. Not negating the beauty of women, but encouraging their other qualities. Moved so much that sitting at my desk low key checking on facebook, I felt my throat tighten and my eyes water. I was the girl who was resilient, who could be more than just the features she was born with. All women could be.

As a western woman my issues look different than my fellow feminists across the globe. Here we fight for equal pay, and economic status among other things. In western Europe women fight for the right to their bodies and their health. In many parts of Asia women fight for the right to exists with out being the property or the pleasure of a man.

No mater what the struggles women face, no matter how trivial they are we should support one another.

On this (day after) International Women's Day we should focus on things that bind us together in the female experience. Support one another, know that we are more than just pretty faces, we are more than just cute dresses, we are more than just our jobs. We are fully formed personalities forged by our own desires. We are the masters of our destiny, or own bodies, our own rights.

I support you my sisters, and I am thankful that I can see what you have become, and what you will become.

Uplift One Another; For God's Sake, Uplift!!

It bothers me that women claiming to be feminists attack one another and drag one another over men.

I think a lot about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's TED talk from (I believe this is right) 2013. Titled, "We Should All Be Feminists". When I am feeling weak or discredited by my gender I will listen to it. I will burn the comments into my mind, the statements made by this beautiful and wise woman. Her statements about rearing children, about gender expectations. But what most inspires me is one of the more iconic moments of this talk. Beyoncé sampled this moment in her song "Flawless".

We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs, or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men.

This is something that as one of three daughters I have experienced first hand. My older half-sister and I had the same taste in men from the age of 12, when she moved in with us, to the age of 17 when thankfully I discovered heavy metal music and a completely different genre of men.

As I got older this problem resolved it's self as I began to realize I didn't want to be in competition with women for the affections of men. First and foremost I was always the girl with the "Plan". Detailed charts of how I was going to live my life, the time tables I'd follow to get there. (How that turned out is a different blog for another time.) Men were simply going to have to fit around this detailed schedule.

When I did date, it was very casual, very low key. I was the girl people liked,I rarely liked any one enough to be invested. There were one or two crushes, but over all no one I particularly cared for.

Just recently I began to see a guy, and not to air our dirty laundry, but we've had issues with his female friends having hard core jealousy issues. The proverbial "I saw him first" mentality has raised its head. Normally this would have been my cue to end this episode and travel to the next town where I would fight bad guys and save damsels in distress. (Insert Xena: Warrior Princess opening theme music here). However I like this guy, so I've decided this may be a two part episode and we'll see how it goes.

These friends are women I would have gotten along with splendidly I think. We all claim to be feminists, we all claim to want social equality of the sexes, we all claim that women should be supportive of one another. Yet when the first 'threat' to our hold on someone or something shows it's head we do what we've been taught to do. We compete for the affections of men to validate our worth as feminists.

Boy troubles aside this brings me to my point: Women MUST learn to support each other. Daddy issues, personal jealousy, no matter who was right, we must support one another.

"Oh well I'm a Godly woman, I build people up." You may be saying. To that I say, and pardon my language; Bull shit. Ask any woman in the church about how she feels about Joyce Myers, women in leadership rolls, and women supporting their families and I guarantee you the answers will be split, and most often time at least one of those subjects will end in something negative about another member of the same gender.

Biblically our roll models are so far from the modern interpretation of women in the church.

Deborah: A prophet of God, a judge of Israel. Her husband illicit two verses in the entire bible, Deborah Commands two chapters in Numbers and is cited as one of the prophets of our faith, who gained what was promised even before the death of Christ.

Esther: A woman living in a foreign land taken to be the wife of a man she did not want to be used for a greatness she wasn't ready for. Her narrative changes through out her book from a passive and obedient girl to a woman and Queen who maneuvers a complex and corrupt court system to save her people.

Priscilla: One of the first women to preach in the New Testament. She's often cited with writing a good portion of the book of Hebrews if not all of it. She's Along with her husband she became a celebrated missionaries and she even came up against early misogyny in the church when in Timothy there was a blanket call on women teaching men.

I could go on and on and on, but as I'm writing this on my lunch break at work I just don't have the time.


These women show us comradely, or even more prevalent their gender is not a threat to them. These women encountered men, and they encountered hardships, and they prevailed not because of their gender but because they were strong and courageous. Continuously we see women built up in the scriptures and made to stand on their own. We should learn from these women.

Like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie has said: We teach girls to see each other as competition. We must learn the time and the place for it. Healthy rivalries for jobs, advancements, and sportsmanship are good. Well thought out debates on politics, human interests, and even pop stars will further us as a gender far more than any law requiring we be paid the same amount. (Though on a personal note wage regulations would be a helpful to me personally and economically.)

Instead we attack each other on the way we keep our hair, the men we're seeing, who hurt who's feelings, and the list goes on and on.

In closing; I don't have all the solutions, but I do know that I want to do my part to empower my fellow females, and to be uplifting when I can.

Nobody's Baby, Everybody's Girl

As I sit at my desk, taking a fifteen minute breather I think about my life.

It feels eerily surreal to sit at a desk in an office building with large glass panel walls, and trendy concrete floors, with a trendy 'open office floor plan' which still has offices for all the higher ups. This shell of a trendy urban office space, tucked away in an Atlanta suburb feels morbidly mundane.

I take a deep breath and move on to the seemingly endless string of tasks that my clients send in. This is my life. Wake up at 7:30, have a cup of tea, do my make up, snuggle the cat, do my hair, change, leave the house by 8:45, get to work by nine, have a cup of coffee, work, work, work, lunch, work, work, walk around the office park, work work, drive home by 6:30 if I'm lucky, make dinner, work on art projects, take a bath, sleep; repeat. If my day was a sheet of music it'd be the kind that kids learned to play a beginner level instrument with. It would be all single notes, repeated in increasingly high octaves until their teacher or their parents couldn't stand the screeching any more.

This year I'll be twenty-six years old. Many of you are sighing as you read that, twenty-six is so young you might think. However for me it'll be the oldest I've ever been. It feels very downhill, I am entering the second half of my twenties. A time when I should have been figuring out to do with my life, but in typical millennial fashion I spent a lot of time just trying to figure out me.

I read in an article recently a popular icon for twenty-something women reflect on turning twenty five. She mentioned that it was almost frightening because society sees any one under twenty-five still a child, so many young people approaching this age feel a sense of loosing their ability to fail. The real world suddenly feels all the more real when you don't have a soft landing spot of being 'the modern child'.

Reading that summary, and thinking about the women in my family, or women that I know when they were my age this seems very true.

By the time my mother was twenty-six she had two children, and traveled full time with my father and his band. My grandmother had three children, and owned an auto repair shop with my grandfather. I at twenty-six am single, with no children, and a job that I wouldn't consider my career. It's hard not to compare myself to traditional successes like that, by the time they were my age the defining women in my life had the standard "got it together" badges. Meanwhile I still talk to my cat as if he will answer and marathon Vampire flicks, followed by Disney flicks (I mean c'mon a girl has to sleep). But life isn't a comparison game. I have a lot of things down in life that women of those generations never had the chance to have. I live on my own and have a lot of things about me figured out. (I.e I am a serious introvert, but I love going out and being extroverted. I know a paradox, but I accept this about me.)

I find myself on the downside of twenty staring down a lot things in my future. (Imagine John Wayne having a stand off with his life choices as the bad guy.) At thirty, do I still want to be trapped behind a desk playing the same beginner sheet music? I know that don't. But how do I live a life where I pop out for lunch covered in paint, following cobblestones to tea room where no speaks English?

Should I sell that guitar, or should I learn to play it? What does a life where I sing for a living look like?

Could I even be creative full time? Do I need to play office worker to fund that sort of lifestyle?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Staring at the down side of twenty, I realize that I don't want to do anything in halves, I want to dive head first into a passion and I want to swim in it. Completely soaked to the bone in it. If it's business, if it's art, if it's singing, what ever IT is. I want to be completely devoted to something that makes me happy.

I'm not scared of the next four years, or the next few months, or the next few hours, but I'm ready to start something that means something. It's uneasy, but, it's time, I can feel it in my bones.

In the video I have above there is a verse that I think sums up the thoughts going though my head right now:

And once you asked me well what's my biggest fear
That things would always remain so unclear
That one day I'd wake up all alone
With a big family and emptiness deep in my bones
That I would be so blinded, turn a deaf ear
And that my fake laugh would suddenly sound sincere

I don't want to get the place where I feel the need to justify why I didn't do something. I'm looking for me in the form of the future and I'm willing to look like I don't have it all together to get there.

Like a Rock, or at Least a Very Small Pebble in Your Shoe

Today I received some very bad news. A friend of mine passed away. She was a year older than me, about four inches taller, and in my opinion was a lot more graceful. She had cancer, and she battled with it for what seemed like a very short time and then she was gone.

What bothers me most about all the feelings I have associated with this news is that she and I were not very close. Our friendship was comprised of two lunch dates, an outing for the school we both attended, Skype calls or FaceBook chats a couple of times a year , and mutually liking one another's status and photos on FaceBook. I don't have a trunk full of memories of the two of us smiling and laughing, or sharing intimate details. I just have a long distance casual friendship, in which case neither of probably thought about the other unless we were on a FaceBook feed.

The timing of this news hit me at a bad time. Laying in bed this morning trying to figure out how I'm going to pay all of my bills and still put on that Halloween Party, I accidentally hit the Facebook app on my phone and there was the news. It felt like someone sucker punched me in the gut laying in my bed. My bed which is supposed to be the safest of places, especially to try and escape emotions.

I don't think I've been able to catch my breath from that emotional punch all day.

My mind is constantly racing right now. There are so many questions I was already asking God all of them started with the word 'Why'. This news just made them end with an angry exclamation point.

I share a trait with my Grandmother (I actually share several, but right now I'm just focusing on one), a trait a lot of women have, but not usually women in our family. Resting Bitch Face. (Sorry for the language sensitive readers) I can't tell you how many times in line at the grocery store have I been off in a pleasant day dream about walking out to my car to see Tom Hiddleston resting on the hood and offering to carry all my bags up the three flights of stairs to my apartment and then pay my bills when the person in line before will sheepishly cut in. "Sorry you have to wait, I don't really have that many things. I know it looks like a lot, and you seem to be in a hurry." As if the disdain on my face is directed at them. Awakening from my day dreams I realize I must have been scowling in their direction. Honestly I don't mean to, It's just my face.

This face has been my armor for a very long time. In talking with my Grandmother, who in many ways has been a rock to our family, I realize it has for her too. While I'm not sure my grandmother would agree with this assessment I realize I'm very much like the Hulk. I'm safe as long as I stay (or look) angry.

Today brought to head a lot of feelings I have had wrapped up inside of me. I'm still coming terms with a lot of them. This isn't a blog of self discovery, or complaining, it's just a blog to try and get something out of my head. The feeling that vulnerability is a weakness to me in my sadness, and a lot of times even in my happiness. Right now I feel like the only thing keeping me going is that I'm so angry, angry at God for posing all these questions that don't have answers. (Why aren't you providing for me? Why won't you heal people? Why do I have to live in anxiety?) Angry at people for letting me down, or leaving me behind. Angry at myself for not doing more.

 The thought crossed my mind today when I was asked if I was okay "You can't be nice to me. If you're nice to me I can't be angry, and if I'm angry I can't keep all of these emotions from spilling out."

I hate when my emotions spill out.

That messy horrible crying girl that comes along with emotions just isn't who I want to be. I want to be strong, and I want to be a rock. But looking strong and feeling strong aren't the same things.

I can't live my life being angry, if I was going to self Identify with a super hero I wouldn't want to be the Hulk. (I could go into who I'd rather be, but as I am constantly saying in these blogs; That's another blog for another time)

Right now I'm having to learn to unclench my fist, I'm saying this now, officially, in writing so legal. I don't want to be angry any more. (why did I write this at work because now I'm about to cry)
I want to be really strong, I want to have people who lift me up, I want to be happy again. Not fake happy which dissolves when I'm alone, but really happy. I'm not sure how to get there, but I want to try.

This Girl Is On Fire - Someone put some water on her please.

For those of you who don't know. I live alone. No roommate, no boyfriend, no siblings; utterly alone. Well, apart from one very bossy cat, but he doesn't count since he pays no bills. (Why isn't he internet famous yet? I need him to start supporting me!) I live alone, not because I couldn't find any one on this side of town to be my roommate, but, because I want to live alone.

When I decided to move out I told my family my plan. Get a cheap apartment and be a hermit. I was met with a lot of very well meaning oppositions. "Won't that be expensive?" "You'll be lonely" "Go ahead and look for a cheap two bedroom, you'll want a roommate, I promise you that." While it is expensive, it's exactly what I wanted. I'm an extremely independent woman and I want to be able to do things for myself.

I had to Upgrade to a bigger cart

So, let me set the stage for you; Saturday, September 19, 2015. Ikea in Atlanta Georgia.

This weekend was the first weekend in a long time that I had any extra cash. Here lately it's been a struggle just to keep myself and the afore mentioned cat fed. (Seriously why isn't he internet famous yet?) With the little bit of extra cash I have I decide that it's time for me to take care of a few things around the house that are bothering me. I needed curtains for the bedroom, a tv stand for the living room, new rug, some storage bits for the laundry room, and a lamp.

(Are you bored yet? This is a super long set up.)

As I'm walking through Ikea, weaving through couples and families I  begin to notice something. I'm the only one alone. Which doesn't bother me. What does bother me is the looks I begin to get. Especially as my cart fills up. I begin to get a look I've become very accustomed to living on my own. "That poor girl, she has no one to take care of her." It's a look I've come to despise.

As I mentioned before I want to live alone. What a lot of people don't know about me is that I also don't want any one to take care of me. I value my independence. The idea of having a spouse to wash the car, take care of the bank statements, hang the curtains, put together the pace board furniture doesn't appeal to me. In fact at this point in my life having a spouse all together doesn't sound great. (Well apart from a few reasons I won't mention because my parents are probably reading this.) (That's a joke Mum ;D ) (Ohmygod someone help me get out this whole I'm digging myself into.)(I know it's ironic that I'm asking for help in a blog about independence!)

The Ikea story is one in a long line of of these looks. I don't blame the people giving the looks, and I've stopped having a sense of righteous indignation about it. The speech about feminism and equality is no longer lingering on my lips daring someone to make a remark about needing a husband. In fact when people make those comments I laugh now. Low-Key sexism is funny to me because I'm secure in the fact that I don't need a man to take care of me.

I see a lot of blogs these days talking about a christian perspective on feminism. Having grown up in the church I'm ultimately excited to see that there is a shift in the thought process Christians have towards women. But this move is largely directed towards the purity culture movement. About holding men and women to the same standards of purity, and having equality between the sexes in marriage. God being the head of a house hold and all that. (I'll write another blog about this at a later date, specifically how Mum and Dad taught us this growing up. I should of wrote it on their anniversary but I totally didn't think of it until now. Worst daughter ever.)

What I don't see in this new "Jesus Was a Feminist" movement is an equality between married and unmarried women. The opinion of women seems to still be that they're not worth listening to until they've got a ring on their finger.

Cheers to modesty!

In Christian circles women are girls until they walk down the aisle. Good Christian Girls. GCG's are the type of creatures who live together as room mates building community. Community is a pseudo sorority atmosphere in which they watch chick-flicks, drink wine (but they don't get drunk), and talk about boys who they're not dating because they respect themselves to much. They post pictures of their bible studies on Instagram #girlsbiblestudy, they host a singles small group, which is made up almost entirely of the girls who live in their house. GCG's also CRAVE marriage.

I was a GCG for a long time. The only reason I'm not a GCG now is that I realized a few things.
A. I'm not a girl. I'm a grown ass woman.
B. My worth isn't defined by my chastity, my church attendance, or my living my life so no one can slander me.
C. What I say is equally important now as it will be when/if I ever get married.

If you live in a house with a bunch of other girls, or have every stopped seeing someone because you want to know if God is really calling you to be with this person please do not think I'm judging you. Because I'm not. What this blog is meant to do is draw attention to the way we're expected to act.
If you honestly feel like you shouldn't live in a co-ed house, or a multi-religious house, then do you boo. If you really feel like God told you to stop dating the guy because you were putting him (the guy) first, more power to you. I'm very sure that was a hard thing to do I respect that. But think long and hard about why you felt/feel that way about these things.

You shouldn't need to worry about how your small group leader or pastor feels about your relationships or your singleness. You're a strong christian woman.  Your opinions matter now!

This blog isn't a judgey thing, so please don't miss my meaning. I'm not saying you should look down on any one because of their circumstances or choices. What I am saying is that we as women shouldn't paint our selves into a Good Christian Girl box. We are all equal in the eyes of God. We all have something to say. Psalm 139: 17 - 18 says that his thoughts for us are innumerable. In fact read all of 139, it tells us that there is no place we can escape the presence of God, that he formed us and created us with all the tender care to make us exactly who we are today.

As women, we're not excluded from the promises of God to rule and reign as co-heirs with Christ. Galations 3:28 makes this exceedingly clear. There is no more male nor female; we are all one in Christ.

For me Saturday, September 19, 2015 carrying a 54lbs tv stand up three flights of stairs I remembered that my independence isn't my stubbornness to prove that I can do things on my own. My independence is my own choice, to need no one else but God as I go through life. I don't need to be defined by the box my church has created for me. (My church wouldn't put me in a box, but again, that's another blog for another day) I'm a strong woman. I'm a Godly woman. I am a co-heir with Christ.

I can also assemble a tv stand in less than 45 minutes.

Help, I'm Lost in an Un-factual SharkNado

Don't get me wrong I love Shark Week, but they repeatedly stray away from real science and move into sensationalism.

Last night they aired a show about Tonic Immobility called "Zombie Sharks". The findings they shared were already proved science thanks to research by Mike Rutzen. The biggest difference in Rutzen's findings and the rehash in Zombie Sharks was that Sharks were painted as aggressive man eaters, but in Rutzens they were portrayed as predators.

Shark's and by extension most marine predators are treated like monsters. When is the last time you turned on an nature program about big cats and saw them painted as ravenous blood thirsty killers. We're working on conserving them. Not giving them a reason to be feared. With sharks we've realized that blood sells a lot better than conservation.

We can't be surprised when we see that people refuse to give up overfishing and hunting down sharks when they're seen as monsters who have to be stopped. The battle for conservation has be played out in a way that paints sharks as predators to be respected and not as monsters to be feared.

There is Something Inside of Me That My Circumstances Can’t Contain

The last few months have been some of the hardest that I’ve ever had to go through. It honestly has felt like treading water in the ocean with no land in sight. I’m thankful that I’ve had an amazing support team in my family and friends but when I get home at night it’s just me and God who have deal with my internal struggles.

At one of my lowest days I was at work and instead of my usual play list of acoustic feel good jams and racy Latin music I switched over to a round table discussion of the Bible, current events, and other things that Christians talk about. The leader of this discussion was a pastor who has poured into my family often and I trusted what he had to say on a lot of what was talked about. Many of the members of his forum I had known as well, some very well, but most just in passing. I didn’t know their stories or their hardships. But I was hungry for something God was saying. After all, he and I were arguing, and like any good relationship weren’t speaking, perhaps he could use another mouthpiece.

Most of the 20-minute YouTube discussions were uplifting, and they strengthened my faith. But there was something said in one segment that lifted my head from my bad mood.

“I won’t let go of this situation until it has blessed me.”

(Gen. 32: 22-31)

In Genesis Jacob is given a new identity, many times people confuse this identity with that of Abraham. They assume Israel is the father of many nations. Which he was the father of a Nation but that was not why he was given a new name. The fact that he had two wives, two concubines and half a million kids is why he’s the father of a nation. The reason he is called Israel is because he had fought against strife and prevailed.

When you read Genesis 32 it’s hard to see why he prevailed, he was running from his brother, his father in-law hated him so much he kicked the entire family off of his land; including his two daughters and 11 grand children. Even when he literally fought with God his hip was displaced and he walked crooked, which would seriously debilitate a nomadic person like Jacob. Why Jacob was considered to have prevailed in this fight was something he said to God at this time.

“I will not let go unless you bless me.” Much like the woman with the issue of blood Jacob saw the face of God and knew that only he could change his circumstances. Jacob was in a place where everything in his life was set up to do him harm. Even God came out of nowhere and beat the crap out of him. But he saw something in the face of God and he knew that his circumstances did not define him.

For me I have to believe that my situations and my circumstances are in my life because I am to be blessed by them. I am not in them to be punished but I am in them because they prepare me for greatness.

I will not let go of this hardship until it is bursting at the seams with blessings. Until every dollar I don’t have today becomes one hundred dollars. Until every dream that isn’t fulfilled becomes a reality over flowing fulfillment and runs over onto every one I meet. I am not letting go until this circumstance cannot physically contain me because I have been blessed so much that it is intellectually impossible for me to have come from that circumstance to this outcome.

I have seen the face of God and my life has been delivered.

All Encompassing Love

I've had this blog welling up inside of me for quite some time now. I've started it several times, but it comes out angry or very judgmental. With a title like I've chosen some how the mood seemed to bog down the message I want to convey.
Usually I start these blogs when I get that over whelming sense of wanting to vomit after listening to a pastor preach against "sin" or a FaceBook friend condemn another persons lifestyle. Usually I'd get so pissed off with "righteous anger" that I just became the same bigoted person they were, only my bigotry was focused on fellow christians.
I once told a friend "How high does my pedestal have to be if I'm looking down on someone for being on their own pedestal."
It goes with out saying that we should all take my good pal Jesus' advice about getting planks out of ourselves before we help someone else with their splinter.

What really calmed me down and got me to climb down from my perch was some place I thought I'd never hear God. A real working Catholic Church.
To preface this, I am a firm believer God talks EVERYWHERE. He's spoken to me through Niki Minaj, through Buddhist Temples, and through fellow Christians. While I believe Catholics and Christians are the same, the icon driven form of worship just wasn't my style. Yet, when visiting friends in Ireland I wanted to stop in and look over some architecture at an old church.
When having a look around I noticed they had statues up of Jesus earthly family; His grandmother, his mother and Joseph his father/step-father. Beside each of these statues were prayers.
When reading them it was the prayer to Joseph that spoke to me deepest.
"O St. Joseph, who opened your heart to the earthly body of Jesus Christ, open my heart to love others as you loved our Savior." Reading these words brought home that righteous anger I'd felt every time before only it didn't make me angry. It made me squish my chin up and swallow back tears. It made me feel love.

When I think of the birth of Jesus I don't usually think about Joseph. I think about Mary, I think about Jesus, I think about shepherds and wise men, and I think about wether or not the Roman government would really let their pawn Harrod kill a bunch a kids for a prophetic vendetta. (but that's another blog for another time) The person I don't think about is Jospeh.
Joseph as most of you probably know was engaged to Mary. Sweet young virginal Mary, who got knocked up out of wedlock. Joseph like any well behaved man of the time peaced out on her and broke off their engagement. However thanks to some divine intervention Joseph and Mary made up just short of appearing on Jerry Springer. Usually at Christmas that's where Joseph's story ends. In the Bible he also doesn't get much more face time than that. But I want to really talk about Joseph for a moment. I'm sure Joseph's struggles didn't end when that Angel told him the kid was to be the Messiah. When little baby Jesus was crying in the middle of the night and it was Joseph's turn to get up with him I'm sure he resented him just a little bit. When Jesus broke one of Joseph's tools trying to help he probably wanted to explode at him. When Jesus took off to teach at the synagog and Joseph and Mary looked all day for him fearing the worst I'm sure Joseph wished that some other couple would have been God's choice. But despite humanity Joseph overcame and showed Jesus compassion and love as his son. Joseph broke with every tradition and concept that he'd been taught so that he could love Jesus. When we look at the book of Matthew, or Luke the Angel of God never told Joseph he had to love Jesus, he just told him he had to go back to Mary.  The fact of the matter is God's law prior to the Angel talking to Joseph is that he should drag Mary before the whole town and stone her to death for adultery.

Joseph broke social norms in the name of love. He broke what was interpreted as God's law in the name of love.
Let that sink in.

A lot of times I hear people using the Bible (as the inspired word of God) to create an Us versus Them situation.
"Our God, won't allow evil to come on us. " So what you're saying is God will only protect you from evil if you pay your tithes, go to church and don't do anything your pastor wouldn't approve of?
"Our God, will punish the homosexuals/adulters/democrats/abortionists/ect." So, Once you've stepped outside of what traditional Church thinks God now hates you?
"Your god may tell you to have peace but OUR GOD WILL HAVE JUSTICE!" So, God only justifies people who have never tried another religion?

If you were to read the Bible you'd find each of those statements to in error. "Our" God came to earth and never punished any one who sinned. You can find that detailed in Matthew through John, usually in the letters in red. Jesus only ever admonished any one who judged others. His ultimate goal was to do just what is earthly and heavenly fathers taught him. To throw out a social concept and to just love people.

If you take anything away from this blog I hope it's an idea of just how much God wants us to love each other. We're not called to tell people they're wrong or they're living in sin. We're called to tell people we love them, and Jesus loves them too.

Let's Read Classics

Image credit Louisechampion on tumblr

What  I think I like most about Edgar Rice Burroughs novels is that he brazenly tells a story of absolute fiction in which most characters are the paragon of manly nobility and most love interests are the swooning goddess of desires untold, and he tells this story as if he over heard it in a bar.

"I had this Story from one who had no business to tell it to me, or to any other. I may credit the seductive influence of an old vintage of the narrator for the beginning of it, and my own skeptical incredulity durring the days that followed for the balance of the strange tale." -ERB Tarzan of the Apes

"In submitting Captain Carters strange manuscript to you in book form, I believe that a few words relative to this remarkable personality will be of interest.
My first recollection of Captain Carter is of the few months he spent in my fathers home..."  _ERB A princess of Mars

He always tells a story like he didn't write it like it was just something he heard. Perhaps great men of moral character exists and  Edgar Rice Burroughs elevated them to godhood or perhaps he was just a man who dreamed. 

Perfect Love Casts Out All Fear

The scripture perfect love casts out all fear was burned into my brain when I woke up this morning. 
I knew there had to be a deeper meaning, but I didn't have time to look it up then. 
Pushing it back from the forefront of my head I went on to work where being the first of the week we had our staff meeting as usual. This always concludes with a prayer said by my boss. This morning at the end almost randomly he added in "God we know that your perfect love casts out all fear, Amen." 
My senses suddenly flooded back to that scripture from 1 John this morning. 

When I got back to my desk I looked it up, and found each of the words in the original greek. I wanted know the meaning of these words outside of the christian realm, what did they mean to the people John was writing to. 

The word perfect was Telios; It means grown up, mature and not swayed by childish thoughts or emotions. 
Love was Agape; Love born from a place beyond sexuality, a spiritual love that uplifts one another. 
Casts was the word exo/exw; It is a prefex added to the beginning of words to mean that it is casting that thing out side of the known boarders. 
It was added to Ballo/Ballw which means out side of the real of the known.
all was the word O meaning all, everything all forms.
and Phobos I thought was very interesting in it's self. Phobos isn't just a word meaning fear, Phobos was in fact in Greek religion the god of fear. He was born of love (the goddess Aphrodite) and war (the god Ares) and his temple was built out of skulls of beheaded enemies. (or so they say) 
Phobos was a concept that litteraly drove fear into the people associated with it. He was evoked when making war on some one, or when cursing them. 
knowing this it became a bit clearer to me what John was saying when he wrote this to the greeks.

Perfect love, a mature and unswaying love that has no strings attatched the physical banishes beyond all knowledge the concept of fear.

When we; knowing one another's faults love each other with strings no strings attatched we banish the things about another person that make us uncomfortable or uneasy. By loving each other with no strings attached despite others faults we break curses and we end war between our selves. 

Guilt and Judgment

Recently I met with a financial planner, and got the shock of my life time- I felt guilty for being 'responsible' for my future. 

To start out with I'd like to say that I was not raised around poverty, ill managed money or any lack in my life. As a kid I always had the newest toys, the nicest clothes and a roof over my head, but I knew for a fact that my parents didn't have a lot of cash. How did I know this, I was raised in the ministry. I knew that they were being paid in less dollar bills than a stripper, but a few more pennies than a homeless person. But you see God doesn't want his spokesmen looking like trash, so he always provided us with everything we needed, wanted, and well just plain thought was cool. 

So as you may well have guessed when you live every day by the blessings of God there isn't a whole lot left over to save or plan with. So I never got to much of a chance to see what a Roth IRA looked like, or knew who to ask about getting a 401k. 

Now as a 'legitimate adult' in the business world I have colleagues that do that, they answer these questions and they genuinely want to help out. So I met one of these colleagues a few weeks ago for coffee and we got the chance to talk. We had a great conversation and I'm proud to say I'm not saving for my future, be that retirement or taking off and traveling the world, but either way I'm saving towards my future. Saving seems smart, 'normal' folk with 'normal' jobs all save in some way or another. Their jobs some times save for them, and some times they save for themselves. But I didn't grow up in a culture of 'normal' people. I grew up in the ministry, where if you weren't about to give up before God showed up you obviously didn't have much faith. So while at first I left this coffee meeting feeling quite proud of my self soon a deep bout of guilt set it. 

I anguished over the ideas of 'should I really be doing this' and 'am I not trusting God'. I was worried about what I'd tell my friends in ministry who were living on support, others who were working while they did their best to get sent out to the country that pulled most on their heart strings. 

I can't even begin to tell you how stupid I felt when I broke down crying because I was so torn up about saving money! 

But then it struck me, like a slap to the back of the head and I heard God say to me. "Did I tell you not to save?" Quickly I began to prepare my rebuttal about how I must not be trusting him enough but he got the next word in first. "I called you to live a life of plenty, of wisdom and of comfort. Why are you worried what I tell other people to do? I'm working this out for you." 

It shocked me. God wanted me to save money!? GOD. Wanted. Me. To. Save. Money. 

Well that seemed stupid and backward. But then it didn't. God tells us over and over again in his word that he lays up his wealth for the righteous and the wise, he wants to give to those with giving hearts and he wants to use the riches of many to help many. God wants me to save money, to accumulate wealth because he wants me to pick up the bill on some one else's dinner. 

So Yes I'm still crazy according to most folks, and I guess I'm just getting crazier to my vagabond missionary friends but I'm learning something. I'm not crazy to God. He made me with the nature I have to build a kingdom that only he could have supported. He wants me to say "Hey look, I didn't have a college education, and I didn't have mom and dad to fund me, but I've got it in the bank because I listened to God." and then write a cheque to whom ever he places on my heart. 

God is a giving guy, he likes to take out the whole family and pick up the tab. He LOVES it when he can extend his hand through his children and make things work for other people. My thing is finding balance in what God has called me to do, go out and not be normal, but some times take some normal steps to get there. 

I feel like the idea of judgement and fear hang to heavily over us today to make 'right choices' and the pressure is coming from more than just the traditional word we as Christians have so long tried to escape. The church and the body of Christ is judging it's self harshly too. We get so wrapped up in how 'She saves money' or 'He attends a cell group' or 'They're not speaking in tongues enough'. I've found that in the most resent of months I feel more judged by Christians than I do by any one else I meet. What caused this unsatisfied cancer to grow in us? We serve a God that wants to give us the desires of our hearts, he wants to pour out his Kingdom on us through us and with us on the earth but we can't even get passed each other to see the Glory that is dripping off of our brothers and sisters any more. 

I am ashamed to have felt guilty about telling other Christians about saving money. Why should I have to answer tho them when God himself gave me the green light. 

Have we stopped recently to examine our selves? (even in stupid little things like my money) We only see through our little molds of what God has revealed to us, and instead of breaking the windows and letting his light shine in further we judge those we see through our peep holes. 

My challenge to any one reading this is to look at your self and ask "what mold am I holding others accountable to?" 

Is it that they are not enough of something? 

Is it that they are too much of something? 

If the answer isn't dripping in love of God I'd encourage you to seek a little love and to bite your tongue next time some one you don't agree with comes into your path. Judgement is what will judge the body of Christ. 

God wants so badly to love us that he'll let us have our way, as C.S. Lewis has so tactfully said so many times. But God's judgment is always for us, his judgment is always uplifting us and telling us how close we are to the mark and how we are going to get there. If your frame of focus is on how different some one is than you, and how that makes them wrong then it may be time to try a different approach. 

In closing I want to say God loves you, whether your saving money, not saving money, speaking in tongues, not speaking in tongues, healing the sick or working a 9-5. God. Loves. You. 

I promise from now on when I see you that I'll look at you and try only to see the good, I'll look at you and say "Wow, He/She's got something about him/her that can only be God."  And that's the only judgement I'll put on you. 

Prince Charming vs the Warrior King

It seems that as you get deeper into your 20's, and more involved with single friends you realize the importance on dating, gender roles, and how everything revolves around relationships between men, women and God.
 This year I have felt this become an issue pressing on the majority of women I know's minds and hearts. The issue lies not with dating, and it doesn't lie with marriage it lies with pursuit.

 All of our lives girls are taught to sit in our towers and wait for prince charming to come and sweep us off of our feet. It starts as a kid with the fairy tails;
-Cinderella, locked away as a maid until the prince finds her and returns her shoe.
-Sleeping Beauty, pricks her finger and falls asleep until prince charming finds her and kisses her awake.
-Snow White, dies due to bad choices in diet and will not wake up until prince charming gives her true loves first kiss.
-Rapunzel trapped in a tower because of her parent's choices in stealing must wait until Prince Charming comes along and pulls her hair out of a window.
 I could go on and on with this list, but I'll refrain.
So the fact is girls grow up thinking that our entire lives should be spent waiting on a man to come and rescue us from our bad choices, stupid decisions or mundane existence.

We then graduate from waiting on prince charming to waiting on 'the one' which is another thinly veiled pseudonym for prince charming.
The One is a real life guy who is a little more realistic than prince charming, but not quite as well liked or unlikely to come. He's a guy with a dream to make something of himself and he's gonna do that while treating you to camomile foot baths and candies!
But you just have to wait for him to come along

From the one you graduate to Mr. Right, and boy he's a real charmer. He's nice, he's sweet, he's got a job and a car and he's probably a christian, I mean he goes to church with you right?
 Mr. Right is the guy dating books are written about, he's not the guy that makes you swoon but he's a real guy y'know. He watches football and likes fishing and he's not really looking to much further than that pay raise where he's going to buy that ring for you.
But- and you probably guessed it by now: You have to have to wait for him.

 From Mr. Right you graduate to Mr. Right Now. Who is well, just a guy, who you settle on, because he walked through the grocery store parking lot to ask you out for his friend. He's not who you thought you'd end up with, but he's a guy, and he's moving and well at this point that's good enough for you because you've waited "like for ever!"

 I'm not saying that the average joe has nothing going for him, but what I am saying is why is it that we keep making girls wait and no great guy ever comes? I know most girls end up with nice men, but what happened to the Kings and princes we were all promised for the majority of our lives?

This question caused the wheels in my head to turn, and the curious side of me to ask questions.
The question: "If there are there so many Christian men and women who want to get married, why are none of them each other's type?" has come up a lot, and I can only think of one answer.

We crippled Prince Charming.

 How do we expect Prince Charming to come charging up a flight of stairs to kiss us awake, or return our shoe, or climb our hair when we told him he's not allowed to do any of those things?
We wait and wait and wait but Prince charming is laying in a ditch wondering why he won't ever get married and why his mentors all cut his legs off.
We told him he can't go looking for love, because he might think about sex if he finds it. And frankly I think we all know, that's of the devil.

 We tell girls to wait (as I a girl I hear that A LOT) but what I've realized guys hear just as much as "wait" is the word "Don't".
  "Don't hold her hand" "Don't kiss her with out asking her" "Don't ask her out with out permission from every man who has authority in her life" "Don't this" "Don't that".
If I were a guy I'd give up by now!
Prince Charming is supposed to grow up and become a king, but nothing grows when it's stifled all the time.

You see the common misconception is that you go from a disney prince to a really old fat king, and we've forgotten to tell boys about middle stage. The really fun warrior king stage where you get to rescue damsels and fight dragons and you never have to ask permission of any one because "don't" is not something you tell a king!
Merlin never told Arthur "don't", Aslan never told Peter "don't", they told them to go make adventures for themselves, go out and win the prize.
As a Christian community we forgot to teach boys how to pursue the prize, and how to become men that attain goals.

We've made pursuit a buzz word and we've never told any body what it actually means.

• Pursuit is not hanging out where I work and asking me out on your third visit to our shop. 
• Pursuit is finding out what my favorite movie is and taking me to see it when it returns to theaters. 
• Pursuit is not honoring our relationship by praying for me 
• Pursuit is prophesying to me despite our relationship because you know God has a destiny for me and for you and you want those destinies to be one. 
• Pursuit is not asking me to dinner out 
• Pursuit is grabbing me up and telling me you're going to take me to dinner and show me the best time of my life. 

Do you see the difference? 

If you want a chase give me something to keep pace to. 
I could out run a guy who wants to pray for me, but it's pretty hard to out run Elijah trying to prophesy to me in a chariot of fire. 
 But guess which guy I want? The one who captures my heart, not catches me off guard while I'm ready to settle. 

 So in closing I guess this rant is to say: 
 Dear Prince Charming, 
I give you permission to chase me, with all your might. 
I give you permission to kiss me, to take me out and to just generally assault me with your charm. 

Most importantly Prince charming, I'm not waiting in my tower any more, so don't come looking for me there. I'm playing Xena Warrior Princess, and it's going to be hard for you to catch me while your carrying a glass shoe, so I give you permission to become a warrior King. 
Love, 
Me

12 Things I've Learned in 2012 (So Far)

Okay, so for past year I've been working a great job in a Graphics and Web Design company as a Web Designer and I. Have. Loved. It.
It's pushed me to grow and stretch and become an empowered business professional woman, while still being an artsy and fun girl.
I've dealt with amazing clients, offensive chauvinists, promotions, set backs and big life choices and I've felt truly alive.
Though, in the words of your friendly neighborhood Spider Man; "With great power comes great responsibility" and one of those responsibilities is proper time management.
To which I have failed.
With the extra time I had on the weekends I've taken an extra job, and I've thrown my evenings into extra work, and suddenly I did nothing else but work. Work, Work, Work.
So in short, and in the style of one of my favorite blogers Alexi Wasser I'm going to do a list of things I've realized about myself, and my year so far.

1. Being an empowered woman can also mean having no social life.

2. It's okay to cry, just make sure your crying about the right things. Not because some dumb jerk cut you off in traffic.

3. That dumb jerk that cut you off in traffic, has a name, and feelings and even though he may never know what you said about it in explicit language you know you degraded a human being.

4. Just because some one yells at you doesn't mean they're mean. Often times they just don't understand the process you're working in.

5. Just because some one else that yelled at you was nice, doesn't mean every one is. Be careful who you let in, and who you let out.

6. Because your meeting people when you work, doesn't mean you know lots of people. I really don't want to ask half of my clients to go out to dinner with me, nor do they care where I get my nails done.

7. You can do great nail art by your self- or by your sister. Depending on who has the money to buy the tools.

8. H&M isn't as fun in the states as it is over seas, and that makes me sad.

9. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

10. Some times schools want you to pay $10,000 to learn about the profession you're already in.

11. Some times that's a totally understandable expense. Some times it's not.

12. Don't wait until you're nearly dead to stop, sit back and breath. Rest is totally necessary and you totally need it.

So that is twelve of the most important things I've learned in 2012 (so far) let's hope the next six months I learn something about like, I dunno relationships, and love and girl things.

Here's to six more months.

Now is the Time

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

Any one who knows me would know that I've been harping about Joseph Kony of the LRA since 2008, and the one response I get most often was. "That's awful, some one should do something about it."

In 2001 the Forgotten Children's Project made a startling discovery that people in west Africa have known and lived through for years, they discovered the existence of a group called the Lord's Resistance Army.
A group led by a man named Joseph Kony who believes God has given him all of Uganda to rule over.
To accomplish this Kony built an army, an army that is manned by the people he kidnaps and brainwashes from villages all over Uganda.
That sounds horrible enough as it is, but the part that really makes my stomach turn is that a great number of these soldiers are children.

If the thought of a child with a machine gun is enough to make you squeamish you may want to skip from this next part.
Many of these children as an initiation have been forced to do horrible things, things that most 'civilized' people would consider sins or unforgivable acts.
Once such story is of a school teacher who 'stood up to' Kony, to teach the children Kony was taking from this teacher that this was inappropriate behavior he had the children eat the teacher a live.
In other instances Kony had young boys rape an kill their own sisters or mothers, or watch as he did.
And thats just the tip of the ice burg.

My heart aches for the children of Uganda, and I have friends who have and are there now- not working with Invisible Children but coming in contact with kids who may have once been part of that life.
So to me the troubles in Uganda are very real and are relevant every day.
So you can never guess my surprise when I logged on to Twitter and Facebook this morning and saw what was trending between
#thingsmufasadidntdiefor and #KimKarsaianSaid.
#Kony2012, and #StopJospehKony.
Mouth agape I clicked through the posts and tweets and soon I was absolutely in raged.
The absolute garbage spilling out of the keyboards of people who were 'supporting' this movement.
From petitions to ask Joseph Kony to step down to people thinking he was a pimp who sold children into prostitution.

Let me stop here to say I totally 100% support the Kony2012 movement. I'm not going to jump on the band wagon and go posting posters every were because I just don't have the time or funds. But I am right there with them. This needs to get out and you can sure as hell believe I'll be sharing the link on my wall and tweeting it as often as possible, change needs to happen.
But what I don't support is the coffee shop bandwagon support that this movement has drummed up.

Back to my point, I won't lie, I cried while watching the Kony2012 video, but I cry every time I even talk about the children in the LRA.
Don't have an emotional response to this video, have a heart response.
This is really happening, right now, and there is no easy fix to it.
No amount of poster posting will make Kony give up what he believes is a God given right. No amount of Face Book hatred will make him feel shame for what he's done.
If he hasn't disbanded the LRA after the multiple request and peace talks offered and began by the UN and Ugandan government he's not going to do so just because a 20-something college student puts up a banner at his or her community college.
But what this movement is doing is making an awareness that this cause hasn't seen since the LRA started in the 70's/80's.

So please, put up your banners and share the link, but remember this is real life for a lot of kids. This isn't a fad. Lives depend on this ending, not just lives but the futures of survivors depend on the end of the LRA.
This can't just be a bandwagon, coffeeshop cause you talk about with your friends while waiting to be bailed out of jail after occupying the Ugandan Embassy.
This has to be a focus that drives like no other.
If your heart was torn for the the children of the LRA don't argue why it's important, go do something to change it.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Every One!

I'm happy to say that 2011, though it was hard, was a good year.
In work I accomplished a lot, I became the manager of the coffee shop I worked at, hosted two art shows, a failed fantasy fest and multiple music events. I stood up for my beliefs and left that job standing only my principles. I began working for a graphic design company and I now enjoy a great design job building websites.

In love I can't say I had much, haha. I went on my first date ever at 21 years old to a great guy, but nothing came of our date but friendship.
I yearned a lot for a relationship, and I'm still yearning.

In art, I got better, made money off of my art, and used my talents to get a career started in graphic arts.

In literature I still haven't finished my book, but I read a lot of books.

I travled little, I lost a lot, but I grew immensely in 2011.

I spent this new years with my parents, we watched a lot of movies, I played WoW, RPed with some friends and drew.
I was a little sad I didn't get to do what I had wanted for New Years, but I savored what I did do and enjoyed my self greatly.

So next year is now. Wow, where did the year go!?
Well, let's see. What do I want to see happen next year?

I'd like to be in a serious relationship- headed towards marriage.

I'd like to be in school, no more of this working with out a college degree.

I'd like to travel more, maybe visit spain again, or go to southern ireland. Hopefully see Japan.

I'd like to work on my art, and draw a hell of a lot more.

I'd like to own my own house.

I'd like to have a dog.

I'd like to have my car payed off. haha

That's about all I can think of. I think it's all realistic, so let's see it happen.

I'm ready for 2012 to be the best year of my life, so c'mon guys, let's get on with it.

You Have All the Weapons You Need...

"

You can deny angels exist, Convince ourselves they can't be real. But they show up anyway, at strange places and at strange times. They can speak through any character we can imagine. They'll shout through demons if they have to. Daring us, challenging us to fight.

"

So tonight I watched Sucker Punch, I saw it once before in theaters and I'm sure I've mentioned it to most of you.
I have to say; I'm not sure if it's my neurosis or the real deal, but, this movie inspires me.
It's not so much the story lines as it is the quotes.
And I like kick ass action flicks.

So tonight I just wanted to share some of my favorite quotes from the film.

For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the sheltered will never know.

If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.

Your mind can set you free. To reach your own paradise just let go

.

For me these quotes are golden. I often find my mind get's in the way of my heart, or my ambition.
Doubt is the weapon and logic, and for people with big dreams 'logic' is often an enemy created in our minds to say that we can't do it.
These quotes remind me that it's me who stands in my own way.
I'm not afraid of the devil, or the boogie man, my arch enemy is often times the same mind that grants me my biggest inspirations.

You are afraid. Don’t be. You have all the weapons you need.

What you are imagining right now. You control this world.

To reach your own paradise. Just let go.

I've been given all the tools I need to reach my dreams. My destiny lies within me, and I've been equipped to accomplish it.

I think most of us expect an angel in white light to appear and give us divine inspiration as to how or what we're supposed to do with our lives.
I think God makes it a lot more simple than that.

In the move Baby Doll is forced to dance, her dance is a fight for her own survival. The first dance starts out with her royally taking a beating, but she realizes something midway through the battle, if she possesses the weapons to fight then she must possess the know how to use them.
That is the biggest turning point in the movie, Baby Doll turns from a victim to a victor in a split second and the best part is it's a natural thing. The audience isn't showered in glitter and spot lights to show how she's transformed they simple see that she starts to fight.

When I saw this it made me realize that I need to stop waiting for that divine moment when I suddenly am blessed with the knowledge I need to complete the task, I just need to take what I know and do it.

"Who honors those we love or the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time, sings that will never die? Who teaches us whats real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend? Who trains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!"

I think that pretty much sums up the point of this blog, and what the movie meant for me.
It means, in less flowery- much abridged- english; Get out of your own way, and do something.

Xena Made it Look So Easy

I guess I'll just start out by saying no one makes sense any more... but maybe it's just me?
Where ever I go I see people living their normal Western lives and I just don't get it any more... but maybe I do?

The best way I can describe these feelings is painting in this light; As a kid I was very imaginative, my sister and I had a made up world of tree sprites, and animal royalty and all around magic and sunshine. It was like living in a secret garden, and that's very much how my relationship with God was for a long time.
But like all heroines from stories that deal with magic and fairies I grew restless and went out into the world.

I became Xena in a lot of ways, I was warrior woman with a spit fire attitude when wound up and an even keel when left to my own devices. I loved the way my life had become, and the way it looked like it was heading.
I left my safe quaint delicate little garden and roamed through fields of glory making big battle plans and working to secure a future as glorious as the grand visions my wanderings gave me.

Let me clarify that I am still that person, a rough and tough warrior woman, sword in hand and and dreams in heart but something has happened as of late.
I've been invited into a lot of people's 'gardens'. Their private lives and worship sessions and here is the part where my childhood obsession with Xena didn't prepare me for.

You see in the television show Xena traveled around kicking butt and taking names, but every once in a while she'd visit some mystic temple or lavish garden and she fit in there just as did on the battlefield.
In the real world- or the semi-parable world- it doesn't work that way.
I end up being a lumbering warrior trampling on flowers and pulling up the shrubs by the roots.
I don't mean to shake values and challenge core beliefs, but you really didn't have to worry about offending people out in the field like you do in the garden.

Home has been very much like a big open plain littered with gardens that I've visited.
Churches I've attended, Ministries I've been apart of even friends that I keep are all these gardens. While I am able to live in them comfortably I just don't fit in with them. There are always those nagging little things that make you bristle under the armor your wearing.
It's like they're from the same culture but a different tribe.

This is more of a get this weird feeling of rogue-ness off of my chest kind of blog, but I think it can be applied to a lot of people who have experienced being apart of a culture that has lived out of the status quo.
I don't just mean people in ministry I mean people have held the dying, loved the unloveable, listened to unspeakable confessions with out batting an eye and extended grace to every one they met with out questioning that persons faith or motives.
I don't meet those people often, and I don't get every one else in the world who can't do those things any more.

The Bible says "The weapons of my warfare are not carnal" and I'm starting to get that. We're not fighting a war in the traditional sense. We're taking ground empathy and grace not excluding our selves and judging others. Each battle is won by becoming part of a culture and enforcing the positive strengths of that culture rather than over taking a culture and punishing all of it's wrong doings.

So I've decided that I hate the metaphorical gardens, where they hear the stories of people doing something out side of their four walls/paradigm/every day norm and associate it with what they can understand rather than seeing it for what it is.
Ministry is about winning the lost, it's about being Christ to a hurting world.

The only time Jesus quoted scripture was to those who used scripture as a weapon, the rest of the time he just quoted his father.
That's what we do out side of gardens, we live our lives by what God says, not by what someone holier-than-thou thinks is right. And out side of gardens we get stuff done.

I'm not bashing traditional church, or any particular group, I'm just calling my self out a little bit. Garden's are great to rest in, but there no place for a warrior to live.
I'll stop tearing up your shrubberies now, I'm picking up my sword and I'm going to push out of these gates.
In the words of Xena...