Gardening, among other things

My parents have been pastoring a church out of their hope for the past eight years. It's a great place and I've really grown in this environment where every one has something to say. Where we've all been activated to speak and prophesy because we've all seen the loving heart of God.
On occasion my parents have asked me to speak while they were out of town but I've always been nervous and haven't really known what to say.
Tonight I'll be leading the 'service' and well I think this time I'm prepared.
Thanks to an early start at work I've had some time with God, just me him and the espresso machine. It's really given me some time to think about everything he's been laying on my heart and just let him know how thankful I am for the opportunities he's given me lately.
So I wanted to share a bit what God and I were talking about this morning.

Am I a gardener, or a garden?
At different times in peoples lives they are gardens, being worked on, worked in, and often worked out.
But also the Bible tells us Jesus is the gardener in our lives, the bible also tells us we are co-heirs with Christ and are to share in his laboring (IE be Jesus to every one we meet). So this left me with the question, When do I get to be the gardener?
When do I stop being constantly worked on and start showing others the potential they have?
Paul tells us in Corinthians that salvation is a continual work in us and that we must die daily to the human things. The things that make us separate gardeners from gardens.
And in that adamic human nature I asked: "When do I stop dyeing and when do I get to live again?"

I remember in Spain one of my teachers Andrew Shearman often said that we should be pouring into at least 2 people.
That is two people you are "mentoring", teaching and equipping to be all that God has called them to be.
It doesn't have to be a formal teaching, mentoring thing just hanging out and showing them Christ in a real world environment and being there when they need you.
For a parent this one is covered, two kids or more and your doing this mentoring thing, you got it down. lol
But for a single girl who often feels she is being poured into rather than pouring into others it's often hard to draw that mental line of being a proverbial gardener and a proverbial garden.
In my heart it's an easy answer. "I am both!"
But my head is another story. My mind has a hard time wrapping around being both a vessel and a pitcher. It seems impossible for my brain to comprehend that I'm being poured into while I pour out.
I'm trying to connect the two but often it's my brain that calls the shots and my heart takes the back seat.

While mulling this over another statement Andrew would often quote came to mind. "Ice cold brain, Red hot heart."
This means we should think things through while living crazy passionate.
Often I feel I've mastered this concept- only I haven't connected the icy brain and the burning heart.
My heart screams out the mysteries of God while my brain just struggles to remember who I really am.
I suppose this part of the asnwer to my original question; When do I stop being the gardener and start being the garden?
When I learn and truly KNOW in both my heart AND my mind that I am both.

Only problem is, this concept is easier said than done.

Shoot for the Moon...

So it's time to be painfully honest- again.
I'm my own worst enemy.
I've taken all the big moments in my life that have screamed YES to the will of God and shut them down in two words "I'm waiting".
Tonight God asked me; "Waiting on what?"
It seems that this is a lesson I have to continually learn. God didn't create in me a spirit of lack, but of more than I could ever want!!

My whole life I've had big, crazy, abnormal, out of this world dreams and I've lived in a fairy land of these dreams with just me and God. When I went to Spain I shared a lot of these dreams for the first time, and saw them come to life in me for the first time so that other people could see what I was seeing- or I tried to get them to see what I was seeing.
But for some stupid reason when I got home life took it's toll.
I woke up for the first time in my life and realized these big, crazy dreams I'd been living with weren't so apparent to every one else.
I heard; "What are you going to do with your life"
And when I told people my big crazy dreams they responded with: "How are you going to pay the bills?"
So I began to wonder, How am I going to pay the bills?
And the quest for a job became more than just a way to meet my needs but an obsession to survive in this ever worsening economy.
Soon I began to hear "When are you going to school?"
And when I told them I heard "But what if that doesn't work out?"
And I began to panic, what if it doesn't work out? What if I'm not smart enough, not dedicated enough, not this that and the other enough?
For five months I let myself unravel everything that God had built in me for 20 years.
This past week though God began opening doors. Taking little steps very quickly to prove he was working this out his way.

Last month I had two jobs in one week hire out from under me.
But in one week I've had two stores hire me this month.
First it was subway, which isn't my ideal job, but hey it's money and they begged me to work for them.
Then I got a weekend break and went to an art show where I saw my talents recognized for the first time in my life! THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE PEOPLE WANTED MY ART!
When I got home I saw my schedule for Subway, 4 hours, they can only promise me 4 hours a week.
So today when I was taking my sister to work, God provided another job, a coffee shop wants me to come and work for them. The owner wants my ideas, and my talents, he wants my world view and my laid back attitude.

I can see God is speaking to me so much, he's telling me it's okay to dream big again. That life should deflate the big dreams he's given me. I live in his world, a world of big, crazy dreams and if people don't like the answers, they can take it up with him.
As I've said before, I'm living his plan now, so I don't have to worry about what others think.
I'm striving forward, I'm going to reach my dreams, and I'm going to gain great things.
To tell you the truth, the real world sucked, I'd much rather live in the dreams that God has given me.

So I Did This Art SHow

Last night my sister Morgan and I drove up to Berry College in Rome GA for their yearly art show. This was my first year at their show and my first time ever showing by myself.
I had multiple 8x10 prints, Note Cards, 3x8 Prints/Book Marks and 6 original paintings.
To tell the truth I was very nervous and afraid that I may have brought to much.
The night before Morgan , our friend Amanda along with her friend Dan and my self all went out to dinner, it was great to see Amanda after so long and it really took my mind off the nervousness to be able to just chat for a while.
Afterwards we went to Berry's coffee house and listened to some live music and then back up to Amanda's dorm to fold all the note cards and put them in their shrink wrap.

The nerves didn't set in again until the next morning when I was walking to the Moon Lawn to set up.
I felt so inadequate and I was worried I wasn't going to sell anything.
The morning went on and I hadn't sold anything, a bit depressed; I sat and I sat and I sat.
It was 42 degrees Fahrenheit (which is about 6 degrees Celsius) and as 11am rolled around I couldn't feel my hands or my feet from the cold.
But that's when things started to pick up, a young man came by and wanted to know about the Romania in Red painting, He just fell in love with it, and couldn't stop holding it. When I told him the price he beamed and said "I'll be back, I need to go to an ATM" excitedly he set the painting down and ran towards his car.
Next a couple came by and she wasn't very interested in my art, and he was bored with the jewelry she was looking at. All of a sudden something on my table caught his eye, he picked up the 'Fire in my Soul' painting and commented on the muscle tone actually being accurate. I was so pleased, he quickly bought the painting and showed it to his girlfriend, she stood there mouth agape and then said to me.
"How did you do that? He hates art!" I laughed as he explained he was just picky, but my stuff really spoke to him. He took one of my cards and said he'd keep an eye out for more paintings.
After that things got kind of quiet for a while, I did a quick sketch of a little boy who was enthralled with my art and kept asking if I was a real comic book artist. I told him I was planning on being one and he said. "Can you please make something I can read, I really like your pictures."
It was really one of the best compliments I've ever received.
Shortly after that one of the girls that attends Berry stopped by and also fell in love with the "Romania in Red" painting, though she said she couldn't afford the original she bought a print of it.
About noon Morgan and Amanda returned from buying me a hat and some gloves and getting our lunches. I by this time had to go to the car and sit with the heater on to eat. I couldn't move my fingers and toes and forming R's M's and most words that involved moving your lips. (Which was a big deal because 2 of my paintings were themed off of Romania)
After regaining my humanity and thawing out my blood I returned to the table to see none other the young man from that morning. He was standing money in hand to buy my painting, he was so excited he could barely wait for me to wrap up the painting, but he wanted to make sure it was wrapped so he could protect the paint.
After that it was dead for a while, a lot of people took my business cards.
I sold a few other pieces and I was extremely happy to be able to sell them.

Probably two of my highlight customers of the day though were two older ladies who stopped by the table right before I tore down.
They were so giddy over my art and were quite impressed.
They bought one of my Haa-Chan pictures and likened me to Erte.
They were very fun to chat with and they loved all my work.
Both of them talked about commissioning me for Christmas cards this year which I think will be really fun if it happens.

So I sold a grand total of $109 worth of art, which was very impressive for me who was afraid I wouldn't make anything. After deducting my expenses it came to $85 in profit. I think that was a good turn around.

So I was praying...

So I was praying and this is what came to me.

"I look out into the endless sea of faces, of brokenness disguised by hate, by rebellion.
I look into this generation who not want to become great. Who wear apathy like a crown and say to those who write histories that we do not want to be remembered because we did not care.
The closer I look the more I see the fatherless, the abandoned the abused all who hide their shame with a mask of 'strength'. Their disguise is thin and never mistaken for the real thing.
As I look out upon this endless sea of a generation I know how Ezekiel felt looking upon the dry bones. I want to hold my hands high and cry "woe to the fatherless generation, who will heal their pain?"
But before I can utter the words I hear the voice of God beside me whisper. "Call them blessed, and call them out."
And so I find MY voice and I say to them:
I call you blessed, oh fatherless generation.
I declair peace over you for the rest of your days.
The Lord God is with you and you are not lost, searching or bound but you are free!
You are no longer a generation of bastards tossed to the wayside to deal with what life has given you, but you are Sons and Daughters of the most high.
(Sons and Daughters are capitalized because they're an identity not a title)
Rise up and be the army of God.
Rise up and claim the inheritance that is yours.
Rise up and know that eternity is written in your hearts and nothing can deny you.
This is the day of your awakening, when you open your eyes and realize your royal duties in the Kingdom of God.
Equip your selves and ready for the fight of your life.
Your destiny is before you and all the humanity you once held dear is coming at you to stop your divine emergence. They may look scary and the battle may be tough but nothing can stop you.
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROSPER!
Now rise up oh generation of fathered by the hand of God, rise up and go take back the dominion of your divine right."

Unplanning My Life

So I feel like I'm in a better place than my last entry.
Not that things are much better, but I'm actually listening for God right now.

Before I had a lot of plans, big plans, plans I've had for a long time. I'm not giving up on those plans, I'm just giving them to God.
When I was 6 years old I had an encounter with God. I felt his hands warm on my back and I felt him whisper into my ears "go to the nations". I saw a white membrane between heaven and my reality punctured and I knew I would never grow up normal.
Since that time I'd been wondering, where do I go? What do I do?
At age 6 I decided to become an Alligator Farmer in deepest darkest Africa... like Egypt. lol I was going to marry my crush at the time and we were going to pastor a church while farming said Alligators.
As I grew up that dream died, and became a joke between my family and I, but the words God spoke to me never left.

At 12 I felt a prick in my heart. Japan. I had no idea what was even needed there, at the time the best I knew of Japan was that it was kind of like China... which was an incorrect assumption.
So I began to plan a mega church that I would pastor in Japan. The whole country would be saved, just wait and see.
But I began to realize church politics and the traditional ministry scene wasn't for me.
But still, God's words never left. Go to the Nations, Go to Japan.

When I was 14 I began to fall in love with Cultures, and Cultural Anthropology was going to be my gig. I was going to travel with Nomads I was going to see the world.
And then I learned of Japan's suicide problem. I also learned the government was hiring cultural anthropologists to come and study the problem.
It felt like all the pieces were fitting in place.
The more I learned of the suicide problem the more of a pull I felt to go there, to be part of righting that wrong. A light started to shine of God's plan.
And then my dangerous, natural tendency kicked in. Just as it had with the Alligator Farm, and the Mega Church, I started planning.

By 17 I had it all figured out, go to Japan work with suicide prevention and in the mean time do ministry. I had a way in, I had a purpose there, and I felt God's peace about that plan.
At 19 I went to Spain and the God dream became a plan.
And the only thing that I didn't have to wake up and tell my self was God in the morning was "work with suicide in Japan".
I was so hell bent on working in Cultural Anthropology I'd never even looked into any other venues to get into Japan. (Aside from Art but there is no money in it.)
I had multiple people give me words (they said were from God) that Cultural Anthropology may not be the way to get into Japan,
And I ignored every one.

At 20, I'm home now. And again I got another word from God, the same one I'd gotten twice before.
"Think other ways besides, church, or cultural anthropology to get into Japan"
The idea of anything other than the life I've planned since I was 14 scares me. But I'm done planning.
THe end result is going to be the same, I'll probably even go to college for humanities and social sciences, but I'm open now to what ever God is saying.
"Here's my plan God, you messed it up, so I'm not going to try and fix it. It's yours, do what you want with it."

So I've been praying, and not planning, and thinking about what God is wanting me to do.
And oddly enough I feel like I'm going to buy a house in the next year.
A very stable move for some one like me who planned a very unstable life.
But I'm moving forward where I feel a peace. And I'm not planning any of it. God is holding the reins now, so I'm sure it's going to a much wilder ride than I could have planned.

I Don't Feel Like Saving the World Right Now...

Wow, haven't been here for a while.
Don't worry guys I haven't fallen off the band-wagon, I'm still seeking God and walking in his will- as barren and as bleak as it feels, but I'm still here.

When I left Spain I felt like everything was going to come together for me really quickly I was excited and I had a few bucks in the bank, it was like I was taking the first step into my life and I was ready to take it by the reins.
I could almost see my self climbing into a big red old convertible looking over an endless expanse of desert with a here I come world attitude. I had my big sunglasses, my cool high heels and the credits on my movie in Spain were about to roll. Every one left the theater feeling good and talking about how the journey to that scene was.
Now that I'm home I'm realizing the reality of that scene. I climbed into an old car with engine trouble with hardly any money for gas, and now I'm stuck in a hot desert with no rescue. Or so it seems.
I feel lost, out of touch and I'm not sure why.

I've been reaching out to all my new friends, I've been reaching out to old friends and there just isn't any response.
Now don't get me wrong, I haven't been completely shut off I've talked to some people but every has their own stuff going on. It's hard to keep in contact. But it still doesn't end the loneliness.
Then there is the dream, the big picture I've got the map, I've got the image of it, but right now the two just don't add up.
The money isn't there, so I can't take the tests, apply for the schools or even print the information.

I'm stressed, I'm alone and I'm pissed off about it.
This is just a big rant I know, but I need to get it out. I need it to be some where I can look back and say, "hey this next trial is hard but look where I came from then. It got better." And as much as I need to say 'it got better' I need it to get better. Fast.
I need a job.
I need a car.
I need money.
I need companionship.
I need to start school.
I need to start my 501c3.
I need to stop feeling sorry for my self and start moving forward again, get the tears out of my eyes and get the glint that says I can do this back in them.

Some things that stuck out to me from Spain

I feel like I've had some time to process my time in Spain, and here a few things I really feel like stuck out to me from my time in G42.


G42 – What I learned
• Until you know your loved EVERYTHING else is religion.
• Jesus went into the wilderness FULL of the Spirit, and came out in the POWER of the Spirit.
• God only has one plan. The cross was not a plan B.
• The ONLY THING He is motivated by is love.
• The difference between a Position and an Anointing is a position is man chosen and an anointing is God chosen.
• More people are scared of spiders than death.
• Return to your first love, not your first experience.
• Experience is a good teacher if you’re looking for the knowledge of good and evil. If you learn from experience you’ll only what you’ve always gotten.
• Every revelation from God is an invitation to have an encounter with God. Every revelation that doesn’t result in an encounter becomes religion.
• Paradise isn’t a place where everything works, but a place where nothing works with out God.
• In the Old Covenant the prophet heard God’s voice and went and told the people what he heard, in the New Covenant the prophet hears God’s voice and brings the people so they can hear what he heard.
• Peace is the evidence that you live in God’s house; Grace is the evidence that God lives in your house.
• Every girl should EXPECT God to reach into his quiver and pull out his best arrow for her. Because she is his princess, and no one should deny a daughter her daddy’s best.
• Knowing what HE says about me destroys the lies I say about me.
• God doesn’t want Worship he wants worshipers
• Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it.
• The great decisions in life you’ll probably know I a flash.
• God has given you everything you need some times you just need to dig it up.
• In the Bible we see Man was given a job before he was given a wife.
• Prophetic Worship is one song, many voices.
• God would rather you be an OWNER rather than a renter, SO TAKE DOMINION.
• God is waiting for a man; he won’t have to wait any longer for me.
• Don’t allow anything in your personal history to keep you from going forward.
• God speaks life happens.
• The highest form of communication is the Holy Spirit speaking to the human heart.
• Speak as the oracle of God.
• God’s voice is not an informational voice; it’s a transformational voice.
• Don’t get close to who you really are, GET TO WHO YOU REALLY ARE.



The Church isn’t the Kingdom of God but is only a part of it.
The Church:
• Is militant and victorious. God Never lost and knows what he’s doing.
• Has the keys to the Kingdom.
• Needs to have a binding and loosing ministry
• Is a glorious

I want to be so in the heart of God tha man has to go through God to find me.
-Alexis Black

Who taught you I wasn’t enough?
-God